Welcome back to the blog. Since my last entry in September much work has gone on creating the Journey into Love website in preparation for release of the JOURNEY multimedia CD product for couples and those preparing for marriage. Jim Sundberg, our producer is pushing toward completion and we will hopefully be ready for product release within a few weeks. To read more about this resource, check out journeyintolove.com...
As the months continue on in anticipation of this completion date I am reminded repeatedly of how important it will be to have this resource available to the couples i counsel and to so many others who can't afford counseling. Today, as most days at MasterCare Institute, I was teaching a husband and wife about "The A~B Pathway" of Healthy Communication and "The Emotions Menu" that goes along with it. They were so grateful to learn and begin using these communication tools. It was obvious how much they needed it too!
Well, let me offer an outline of a presentation I will do this evening, Tuesday, December 16 on how to Survive and Thrive During the Holidays. It offers helpful ideas to manage the stress associated with Christmas which for many folks in therapy is a very loaded time of the year. The outline won't give you all the information in the presentation, but if you'd like me to explain concepts or you have questions, just email me. Enjoy...
Survive and Thrive During the Holidays
Q.: Why is about Christmas that stresses us out so much? How about for you?
Let's explore what we can do with Christmas Stress...
- Face-off with Perfectionism!
- Why we are perfectionistic (Are you? If so ask what drives it.)
- Why we are especially Perfectionistic and "More is better" at Xmas.
- WE need to change the crazy expectations. How?
- Ask
yourself: "Who do i know that manages the Holidays in a way
that i admire (balanced, calmer)?" Then...
- Ask yourself What Would (name of person) Do? Then do it. (If you can't think
of how they succeed at being calmer, staying grounded, just call the person and ask: "How do you do it?")
- Clear away the Mental Clutter and reconnect with what's most important about Christmas (beyond the perfect meals, house, gifts...)
- Ask: "To me, what really is the meaning and value of Christmas as a holiday? In trying to answer this question it may help to ask yourself...
- "When Christmas is over What is the one thing i hope i can say that we/I experienced that had real meaning?" After you 've answered that question, then ask...
- If
this one thing is attainable, then plan to assure it will happen:
remove obstacles as needed. Keep your focus on this 1 thing each day to
stay realistic and connected to what is most important. It may be necessary to ask a few more questions to help you prioritize activities and simplify your efforts. Try this...
- Ask: "What do i feel has to be done between now and Christmas?" Make a bullet list quickly
- Now ask: "In light of the deeper meaning I have given to Christmas, of all these things on this list, which ones don't really need to be done?" (Cross them out)
- Now ask: "Who can i recruit to do some of the genuine 'gotta-do's--the things left over on the list? Then contact that person, ask/request the help. After this friend of family member has helped, be sure to say thanks and explain specifically how the support helped you.
- Get empowered using Choice Points to fend off compulsion, realize options, make the best choices, enjoy more!
Definition: Choice Points are the moments in which you stand at a mental intersection with options. To maintain physical, emotional and relational health you must realize that such options exist and make choices that are wise and timely. The concept of Choice Points helps us to realize these moments. This is especially important when we are upset, stressed, or facing serious circumstances in which our decisions will affect our lives in a major. Also each day we make many choices that combine to influence the quality of our lives One Day at a Time.
How to use ChoicePoints...
- Notice your stress by paying attention to cues in your body, thinking, and emotions (if anxious, angry, afraid, tense, heart rate up,etc.)
- Use Relaxation Strategies: Deep diaphragmatic breathing, visualizing calmly doing what your task or the positive outcome you desire, pray, meditate (research says 10 - 20 minutes repeating a calming word changes biochemistry and de-stresses us
- Practice being Assertive: saying no; being honest with your feelings and opinions; asking directly for the help you need; taking a time- out to cool down versus acting out in ways you'd regret
- Decide to NOT overcommit or make promises that will stress you beyond what is wise: remember and practice: "More is NOT better!"
- Un-Promise what wasn't wise to commit to. That's right: change your mind. You're allowed to learn and change course. (And most people with whom you set limits will admit this is healthy even if they complain a little.)
- Make a GamePlan to deal with Toxic Relatives
- Boundaries: decide how much you will be with people with whom you have a history of unhealthy exchanges. Or if you be with them at all; if so, where; and, under what conditions (e.g., not alone 1:1 in same room); take breaks through the day, weekend (versus "trapped in same room")
- Design Your Message to communicate the boundaries and enforce them...
Be clear
Be respectful
Be brief: get to the point
Do not offer a guilty apology for doing what is healthy
Do not offer a explanation of your reason that will create difficult discussions beyond their ability to manage well. Instead...
Do note any other obligations or activities that require you to be absent or to abbreviate your time together.
Predict their support and thank them in advance for understanding! (This projects an expectation that we should have for others who are healthy and respectful of boundaries.)
Once finished with your message, shift gears quickly to another topic without leaving space as if you need or are inviting their approval.
Example: "This has been a lot going on this month already. Our family will be there between noon and 2 or 2:30 but then we'll be heading home. This will make it doable for us since we'll have other events for the kids that evening. Thanks for understanding."
- Deal Courageously with Grief and Losses if you are...
- Facing the Holidays without a certain loved one for the first few years
- Apt to re-experience painful experiences near or on Xmas from the past: trauma trigger.
Avoid Avoiding! And try this...
A. Sit and write through feelings about our loss or trauma
B. Respect your emotions versus being frightened by or judging them: they're normal (usually: caveat explained)
C. Just notice your emotions, allow them to "pass through"
D. Decide one or two ways you will invest/create a new Christmas ritual/practice this
year: invite a friend who will be alone to share the meal with you;
help out at the homeless shelter, Salvation Army, etc; plan an outing
with a friend--do something together; call relatives or friends you haven't spoken to in a long time...
- Stay connected with your sense of humor and people who are just plain funny (example activities: Cary Grant...)
