Getting yourself in the door to begin marital therapy is often tricky. What do you do if your partner seems unwilling to go for help? Or, perhaps your partner might be willing to go to therapy with you, but you feel the need to go alone to the first session. You may desire time alone with the therapist to safely disclose concerns about abuse or other serious risks, or to sort out your feelings, perhaps to be sure the therapist understands you, or to explore your options without your spouse present. When is it wise to come alone first? There are no "one-size-fits-all answers to these questions. But fortunately there are a couple principles that guide us to making wise choices in how we begin with therapy. Here they are...
I usually recommend that both husband and wife come together to the initial session. Why? To avoid the risk of alienating the other partner from the therapy process. So, if there is any chance that your spouse would be willing to join you for marital therapy, I would encourage you to consider inviting him or her to join you for the first session. (However, I am always supportive of a spouse coming in alone if there is abuse or a safety issue: that is if you feel there is a threat to your life, wellbeing, or the partners’ that will be most wisely and effectively dealt with in their absence.)
So, typically, marital therapy begins with a "joint session", that is, I see the couple together first for a 2 hour session. This format and length of the session gives both partners a chance to teach me about the background of the relationship, to share their individual perspectives of the problem and then to share their opinions about each other’s perspectives. This information provides the therapist with a more complete picture to effectively plan treatment. The double session (two 50-minute blocks) also affords you, the client, a chance to get a better sense of who I am as a therapist and person. So, when you leave the session you are walking out with a more clear "game plan" for your upcoming therapy.
The Principle behind the idea of both partners coming together is this: it is essential to preserve the integrity of the therapist’s role as a neutral party here to help you both. If a spouse is willing to come to the first session but he is left out, he is apt to conclude that the therapist is now on the side of the spouse who came first alone to treatment. And since men are often wary of therapy as it is, we certainly don't want to feed that fear.
However, if you have asked your partner to join you for the first session and he or she is unwilling, then by all means, come alone. Here is one effective way to invite a hesitant spouse to join you. Use it or revise it to fit:
We both know we have been struggling. I know I have a part in this and I am willing to learn and do my part, whatever that is. We have been trying to make things better but I think we need to experiment at least once getting some counseling together. I know of a marriage therapist who is highly recommended as being fair and effective. His (or her) name is….Will you join me for at least for just one session.
Coming to Therapy Alone: some exceptions and how to do it right
Perhaps your partner is willing to join you but you feel a strong need to meet solo with the therapist before involving your spouse. In this case it is best to tell him or her upfront. Be sure to emphasize that "... the therapist is willing to see us each alone in a session once but then would want to see us together.” This is essential so that your spouse knows that as a therapist I will respect you both and will work to assure I hear both your perspectives. Having shared this message with your spouse, you can offer him or her the option of going first or second to come see me for an initial solo session. Usually this is enough to assure the spouse that your interest in seeing me individually isn’t just to complain and get “the upper hand with the therapist…”
Individual Sessions
The goal of the individual assessment session is for you to teach me more about your personal background, how you tend to think, make decisions, manage emotions, deal with stress, and relate to other people. (We also want to rule out any struggles you might have with anxiety, trauma, depression, anger, self-medicating, etc.) During this time if you feel there are urgent marital issues you need to address, do share them. And, this individual assessment helps us to develop trust as client and therapist. This is essential to help you feel confident in tackling ,emotionally loaded issues and to accept the challenge of looking at areas in which you might need to change.
Once the assessment process is complete (that is, the joint session and these individual sessions with each spouse) we can build a trustworthy treatment plan and begin the therapy work. And remember that the Journey into Love interactive multimedia training for Couples is a great way to shorten the length of your marital therapy as you build skills and crucial knowledge as a couple right from home. For more information visit www.JourneyIntoLove.com.
Please feel free to offer your comments and share questions about this article. Peace to you!
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