The Flickers: Part III. The Big Breakthrough

From the bowl next to my chair I brought out a Petoskey Stone, smooth, oval, just right to fit into the palm of your hand. I gave it to Esmeralda. "What am i supposed to do with this?"

"Give it to Mr. F." She passed him the stone and asked: "So now what?"

"I"m going to help you two have one of the best discussions of your life. One in which you can both feel heard. Here's how it works. Whoever has the stone is the Speaker. For the moment that would be your husband. You've given him the Speaker's Stone . Then when he's finished speaking, it'll be your turn and he will do his very best to hear what you are saying. Fair enough to you both?" "Ohhhhh-Kay", she replied with a curious look on her face. Mr. F. added: "I'll try but I don't know about this."
I assured them both: "That's okay. This is just an experiment worth trying". I bent down and whispered in Esmeralda's ear: "Okay, Mrs. F. Could you just tell Mr. F that you promise not to interrupt him. That he can talk as long as he wants and you'll do your best to just listen?" With a roll of the eyes, she nodded and repeated out loud to her husband: "Okay, go ahead. You can talk and I will keep my mouth shut till you are done. Promise." He looked at her wide-eyed and said with surprise: "Really? Do you mean that?"

He was silent for about a minute, looking up at the ceiling, nervously tapping his foot, as Esmeralda was getting more impatient, her face turning red. This minute felt like a lifetime to her. She looked at me as if she was about to blurt out something like "I can't take it anymore. He never talks! Why should he start now?" Then suddenly Mr. F launched softly carefully, choosing his words as if any single mistake would be like detonating a hand grenade.

Now her eyes got big and she leaned forward, stunned as he explained: "I get really hurt when you yell at me for being quiet. Fighting is the last thing I want to do. My parents fought all the time and I hid in the corner. I hate it. So many times you are demanding me to speak up and I haven't even found the words to say yet. Then it's too late and you are angry. I shut down. But inside I want to explode..."

He looked up for the first time since he began talking. She was still silent. He gently put the stone in her hand and said: "I'm done. It's your turn." Esmeralda's face was softer. The anger was gone. She wiped one eye to stop a tear before Mr. F. could see it. "I had no idea. You've never talked about your family. I thought you just didn't care..."

This was the first moment when the light turned on for the Flickers. As they continued (with a few jam ups here and there during the discussion) I helped them recognize how years of misunderstandings had turned into hardened judgments of each other. The distnace between them became less with each session from that point and the warmth in their relationship returned. More affection and the more she listened, the more he talked. She nicknamed him "Mr. ChattyCathy" and he wore it like a badge of honor.

Serious healing was still needed and the Flickers had to work on redefining their expectations in the relationship. But once they realized their partner's true intention was to love them better, and as they learned more skills to manage difficult emotions, they were on their way to a truly enjoyable marriage. If you want to learn more of what the Flickers discovered, check out the JOURNEY INTO LOVE. Help is available and your marriage is probably just as able to heal as the Flickers!